"Keep Calm and Carry On"

This is one quote I really think that relates to my life right now. Right now, it's been nearly a week since I've landed in Cali. I've been busy with orientation, sight-seeing, shopping dorm supplies, etc. I've just successfully finished up a visa workshop on Monday (so no holds will be placed on my school account yay), and in less than 12 hours, I'm officially moving into my dorm, and saying good bye to my parents. Once my parents are gone, there won't be anyone close to me that I can comfortably share my emotional troubles with. At least, at the moment.

I mainly blame the fact that I'm still feeling insecure on the fact that our school starts way too late. Every day on Facebook, I constantly see new pictures of my high school classmates smiling and laughing with their new friends in college, long and funny convos on each other's walls, and anything of the sort on my feed. Every time I see them, I'm always filled with envy and anxiety. Thoughts like, "I wish I had close friends like that in college," and "Will I ever be able to make such a close knit of friends again, like I had back in high school?" sort of haunt me. Maybe if my school had started earlier, I wouldn't have to be plagued with this anxiety for such a long time while others are having such a great time at college that they wouldn't hesitate to answer "It's awesome" when they're asked how college is.

I'm not completely alone though, I did make friends that I could talk to and say hi whenever I see them, but I'm just not as close with them enough. And plus, already on the first day of orientation, I saw tons of kids walking around in small groups, engaging in small conversations with each other. It really doesn't help that it seems like I'm one of the only ones to have come to this college from my high school, and from Hong Kong. (Okay, I heard that there are two kids from my HS here, but I haven't seen them at all so far, plus I have a feeling they are already in cliques as they were here before me...) Everyone seems to have come from either the same school or the same area, have instantly found each other and are not sticking to each other like glue.

I really don't blame them. It's common for international students to come to college in a foreign country, and immediately find others of their own kind and hang out with them. I would probably try to do the same thing too. After all, I did feel a great relief when I managed to befriend a Korean. But I still can't help but feel jealous of all these kids. Why do they get the easy way into settling into college life? Why must I be plagued with this feeling of insecurity and be unable to sleep or eat well for nearly a week now?

Alright, fine. I'm being challenged. I normally don't talk about anything relating to my religious beliefs, but I need to say this in this way - God really must be testing me. He has loved testing me ever since I was a child, hasn't He? But then again, whenever He did, although I had suffered a lot, I did manage to come out much stronger in the end. So I'm gonna trust God and believe in myself, that everything will be fine, and that all I need is patience and strength. That the more I am challenged, the better person I will become. And that this is part of growing up. I can't stay as a child forever. I can't stay as a teen forever. I'm going to become an adult sooner or later. I need to be ready when that stage comes. And to be ready? I must "keep calm and carry on."

Or even just

keep calm and

GANG NAM STYLEEEEEEE

It might seem that I'm not settling in very well here, but that's not exactly true. It's just that I haven't properly gotten rid of the insecurities I have been having ever since I've gotten here. I did, at times, experience a lot of happy and hilarious moments while I've been here in California. I have met a lot of wonderful people. I do have friends. I am fully capable of introducing myself to new people with a smile. I do love to meet new people. But right now, these positive thoughts are constantly fighting with my negative ones, and since negative ones usually win for me, I'm kind of gearing towards the negative side now. But then again, I really don't want that to happen. I want to stay positive. Because if I don't stay positive, then I'm not sure how I'm going to handle every single day here.

Oh god, this post is just a bunch of...ramblings. Sorry if anyone had to read this. But please do know from this post that my mind is in a state of jumbles which is exactly why my post might seem to be in jumbles. I just needed to write my thoughts down.