A short rant

I know I really should be working on that paper...but since I can't stand holding this in anymore, I'm gonna write up a short rant before I start working again.

Recently, I have been feeling dissatisfied and unhappy most of the time. There were times when I was able to see and talk to my friends, and laugh too - but those times were only a small part of a day, and most of the time I was being brought down by my own depressing thoughts.

I'm assuming all this unhappiness and dissatisfaction is coming from my dissatisfaction with myself. Every time I'm given an opportunity to reevaluate myself, I'm always so disappointed. I found myself always thinking, "What's wrong with me. Why can't I be like her. Why can't I be like him. Why am I me." And whenever I catch myself thinking like this, I then get mad at myself for not accepting myself for who I am. Then I try to tell myself I should probably change my personality if I dislike who I am right now. But then again, changing your personality unfortunately isn't as easy as it sounds.

I'm also not very motivated these days - for example, even right now, although I have a midterm in two days, I still haven't started studying for it. If it was the old me, at least the me 3 months ago, I probably would've been frantically studying for it by now. But I'm nowhere near being frantic; I am feeling a small burden which is growing by the minute though - I keep telling myself that I should start studying, but I end up leaving my responsibilities aside and going to sleep or just doing something else to escape reality.

My dad has said that I should think about what my dream is - and then once I do know what it is, then I should be able to work hard to achieve it. The thing is, I still have no idea what I want to do in the future, and I'm still not sure if I chose the right major so...whenever I have to work, I always think to myself, "Is this worth my time?" and then I end up doing the assignment right before class starts.

Whenever I end up doing my assignments last minute, I always look at other kids in my classes, and think to myself, "I bet she finished that assignment early and went to bed confident about getting a good grade," "I bet she pulled two all nighters in a row to study for that midterm," "I bet he is really smart and hardworking, unlike me." ...etc. I end up comparing myself to others and feeling so disappointed in myself.

Or whenever I have an awkward social encounter with someone, I always look at my friends and think to myself, "Why can't I be social butterflies like them. Or at least, be confident when I'm saying hi to those I know, like they are." 

I feel like crying, but I can't cry here, because there's no such thing as privacy here; I can't cry without being seen - I'm always surrounded by people regardless of whether I know them or not, and I really need time to myself to cry out all these emotions I've been feeling lately. But since I can't do that without some privacy - I will just hold the tears in. As of now, I'm just really confused and I don't know what to do to get myself out of this frustrating state.